Flash Delirium

Nabilla Siti Azzahra. 20. Me? I've officially been diagnosed with an incurable, extremely intense passionate love for my life. And I am okay with this :-)

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Ini adalah waktu dimana kepala tidak dapat berfikir dengan benar. Keadaan dimana kepalamu di isi dengan sejumlah pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang bahkan dirimu pun tak tahu jawabannya. Hilang arah. Tinggal menunggu angin datang dan pergi kemana ia akan menghempas.. Tapi sayang, keadaan seperti ini tidak baik dibiarkan lama-lama apabila kamu ingin selamat.

Namun apa daya? Tubuh hanya bisa cemas. Hanya takut, sakit dan gelisah yang ada.

ps : tolong skripsi gw gak kelar2. bye

I recently had a conversation in my mind about the dreaded three words. Well, dreaded if you’re me, who overthink every element of a relationship to the point where even the happiest milestones are marred in neuroses.

I was saying I thought the moment needed to be incredibly special/ meaningful/ cinematic — I thought the moment needed to be fairly serious, as in you can’t say it silly/ jokingly and count that as the first “I love you” — I was agreeing.

Then i dropped this knowledge.

  • “I think the pursuer can’t say “I love you” first.
  • “Wait, what?”
  • “Yeah, I think that the person who was really driving it from the beginning isn’t the person who says “I love you” first.
  • Right. That person. Why?
  • Balance of power. It’s like they already put their neck out there big time to make the relationship happen. Now the other person is up.

For as many rules as I thought, my ultimate rule is that there aren’t any. Relationships are built on far stranger set-ups than the pursuer both igniting the relationship and saying those three words first. Maybe that person is just more vocal? More comfortable? Less neurotic.

I think “I love you” is wildly important, which is why the idea of it being used as a pawn in the battle of relationship dominance rubbed me the wrong way.

Then I got to thinking about what it feels like to be the pursuer — the one who takes the leap of faith to say, “Do you want to go out with me sometime?,” “I really like you…” and”I want us to be dating.” For as sure as you can be that the other person’s “me too” (x 3) is genuine, there’s always doubt. It’s easier to say “me too.” And some people are built of “me too” cloth — especially when it comes to relationships. Imagine if you’re the type of pursuer in the type of situation where you feel like you’ve gotten to each phase first and therefore made each phase happen, in a way.

In most cases, the pursuer knows how they feel. They probably even know that they’re at “I love you” level before their slower half. Maybe they figure, what the heck, I’ve gone this far, may as well throw it all out on the line, plop the “I love you” down on the table, and find out once and for all where I stand.

Or maybe for some pursuers, no matter how bold, those three words are kept at bay. They felt strongly, they acted strongly, but now a level of self-preservation kicks in, and they need the other person in this relationship to meet them where they are before they’re willing to go further. It’s less a power play and more a protection play. Some people are willing to be fully vulnerable without knowing or caring what they’re going to get back. Others are more comfortable with things built on a clearer degree of relationship milestone equality.

I do believe the fact that the pursuer in my relationship said it first helped us both feel more secure about everything involved with it being said. 

well in my case, i have my one of a kind man and a very wonderful relationship that both of us didn’t have to wait for long to hear that “actually beautiful” 3 words, we both know that we’re suit each other well and don’t wanna miss out the good thing by neglecting the small things :)

Ps : since flood is overflowing Jakarta all of my routines has been cancelled, so please excuse my cheesy writing :P

xx Nabilla

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pronunciation | tsUn-‘dO-kU 
submitted by | chrysalismm
submit words | here
Japanese script | 積ん読 kanji, つんどく hiragana

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”Accidentally stumbles upon something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated” —❤

Happiness is only a mile away, maybe we can walk together. Loneliness is only a heartache away, maybe we can make it better.
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you are my perfect cusp

Bringing this back because I can and because I love it and because I love you.

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If you’re not an on/off switch person, you have to be wary of them. Knowing that even though everything is fine right now, it could change in an instant is unnerving. We don’t want to be on edge, watching what we say, telling ourselves not to feel, talking ourselves out of love. It’s the risk we all take, hoping for big bucks, no whammies. A chance at love with the possibility of running into our worst nightmare. As bad as it feels when that happens, it’s important to remember in great detail how horrible of an experience it was. Then in the future, not only are you somewhat impervious to heartache, but also more considerate of others’ feelings, regardless of the situation.

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